October has arrived in all its glory with marvelous autumn feels. The new year is already only four months away! With this year rushing past in a blur, I look back to see what a beautiful journey the Lord has taken me. Nurtured and challenged by so many of my dear friends, I was able to break free from a shell I’d built around myself. Earlier this year, I was challenged spiritually to a point of beautifully broken surrender. Surrendering in the soil of His hands that seed was finally able to be crushed by the weight of His glory. This year, I was blessed to sympathize and grow alongside many of my dear friends facing spiritual battles beyond what they’ve felt and fought before. Going to battle through song is such a powerful story. We take the very air given by our Maker and use it through praise and worship. When we align our heart posture with Him, we become closer to His heart but also more susceptible to the attacks of the enemy as we take ground. He is the prince of the air, and we take his very dominion and turn it against him by using our breath to bless our Beloved Redeemer. When we bow in worship, we crumble the walls of the enemy’s fortified cities. I have been blessed to be surrounded by a family of believers to grow beside and worship in the midst of. But this story is not about my problems or the things that happened; it’s about the marvelous new song He placed in my heart despite my doubt, fear, worry, and insecurity.

The Surrender

Using the words of a song, I prayed a simple but heartfelt cry:

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me

New Wine ~ Hillsong

That song and many others have shown me what a powerful tool worship can be. Without our hearts in the right posture, we can never be available for Him to work through us, nor will we ever be able to come before His throne. The Psalmist wrote truth when he described coming before the throne in the 100th Psalm with praise. Revelation shows us a glimpse of the throne room filled with constant and joyful praise. He is HOLY and deserves praise. It led me to ask myself, “If the Lord sacrificed His life for me, how can I not praise Him with my very being.” During that thought, I didn’t see a connection that I do now. Romans 12:1-2 commands us to be a living sacrifice. We are to be consistently dying to our flesh as He reveals things to us. For me, it has been to speak life into a situation and to trust Him beyond what I can see. This is where my journey began. Despite all the voices, I took Him at His Word.

“He’s not a genie”

February 12, I came across this Psalm and held onto it with such a desperate grip. I heard from so many voices that God wasn’t a genie and not to expect your desires to just come to fulfillment and how the verse actually means that when you align your heart to the Lord by delighting in Him, He would give you His desires and get rid of yours. While I see that point of view, I find it makes God out to be manipulative. This is how He laid it on my heart. If you are following the Lord wholeheartedly and if you are surrendering to Him, then He gives you desires because they are also on His heart. Moreover, if the desire aligns with the Bible and what has been revealed as His will, then why should we not claim it and expect His answer? He says to ask, seek, and knock (Matthew 7:7-8). What I love about that verse is that it progresses and parallels with the parable of the widow and the judge in Luke 18. Jesus painted the picture of a persistent widow coming to the judge and asking constantly – she showed her concern and heart for the issue with her persistence. He went on after the parable to say how much more will He, as our Heavenly Father, answer? He repeats this principle in Luke 11. So with that in mind, I took Him for His Word and advanced in faith regardless of how impossible the task seemed. It reminded me of the wars in history. The Allied forces were not under attack until they started gaining ground. That is one reason why this year was such a gut-wrenching, soul-trying, tear-filled year. I was taking Him at His word and going on, seemingly, blind faith and the enemy hates it.

Voices…

I have dealt with doubt in so many faces since I chose to give my life to the One who gave His life for me. At a young age, I set off on my walk to try and toddle after my Saviour. As I grew, I started facing the fear of not having my salvation because I was too young, I did it at home, I was unaided, and the list goes on. However, I was brought past that terrible war with doubt. Then the war masqueraded into another face: I couldn’t be used because I had no “past”. That one I struggled with until ninth grade (for roughly four years) when I realized it’s not about what I did but what Jesus did in my life and what He continues to do as He works through this broken, shattered, insecure vessel. This year, doubt came again and told my anxious mind that my prayers were going nowhere. That brought more tears. But the Lord is faithful. He brought me so many people to confirm me on my walk with Him and guide me in the way He has for me. All that hardship was necessary for the breakthrough. For just with a well, you have to dig past the dirt and rock to get to the underground wells of joy.

Songs proven true, my outlook changed

My mind is often anxious and overthinking (shocker) unless it’s plugged into Spotify, spilling into a journal, or wrapped in suspense from a conversation with a friend. He has been growing me as a writer and has given me a heart for the searching souls who need companionship from someone who listens and those looking for hope and answers. However, before He ever sends anyone, He must grow us so we can be prepared. Last year spilling into this year, He led me down a path that showed the deep hypocrisy and apostasy of the bride of Christ. That is when He called me to study the massive topic of discipleship and gave me a heart for it. This year, He keeps confirming my writer’s soul. Nonetheless, that did not come with ease. It came with training, heartbreak, doubt, fear, you get the picture…

I found comfort in so many songs, but I didn’t truly identify with the lyrics.

• Faithful to Finish
• Christ is Mine Forevermore
• Remember (Torwalt)
• Waymaker
• New Wine
• Pieces
• and loads more…

I realized I had to sacrifice and surrender my desire. I had to place it under the very blade of surrender. Just as Abraham sacrificed his promised son, I had to give the Lord my dream. It was getting heavy and becoming my focus. I had to refocus on what the Lord had laid on my heart. I had to trust and commit my path to Him. In turn, it showed my heart what the burden was and it gave me a healthier view of it.

Psalm 37

Regardless of where I was spiritually this year, He always brought me back to the Psalms. Psalm 37 was always the priority, but the rest were always centered around trusting and waiting patiently. I grew to dislike that word: patience. I didn’t see anything on the horizon and started to worry that I didn’t have enough faith. Once again, doubt crept in…
It came to a point, though, where I felt God calling me to step out and be brave. The walls of my shell looked comfortable; I was terrified, but I felt His gentle nudging during the literal hurricane feeling inside me. The moment I stepped out in faith, it ceased. (praise be to God, it still makes me chuckle) It was like He threw me up into the air as His little girl and I flew without aid for a second as I dropped down with gravity. But then He caught me. Oh, He caught me! He caught me and He hugged me so tight. The answers to so many tear-stained, screaming-in-prayer, crying days spilling into nights finally came. They whispered at my ear and said He is faithful.

So I can look back on my life as I sit here writing to you, and say that He is faithful. He is so gracious. He is always, ALWAYS working. He doesn’t stop with you to work on someone else’s prayer. He is mighty enough to work on everyone’s. What a mighty God we serve! I have a new song in my heart. I know the God whom I serve is faithful, for I have seen Him. He is made real to me repeatedly; all I can do is sit and be overwhelmed by His soul-searching love. Jesus went to the cross, and He still intercedes in my battles while the Holy Spirit comforts and guides me as I step out.

I know now that He is Faithful to Finish. I know He makes a way and works even when we cannot feel or see it. He has my best at heart. He crushes us only to bring new fruit. He purges and prunes us because He sees the fruitful potential in us. He only does things for our good. They don’t feel good at the time, but they are for His glory and our blessing. 

He laid Psalm 37 on my heart for a reason. The call to delight in Him, trust His ways, commit my steps to obeying His voice, and rest in the peace of knowing that He is working all things out has not finished. I am still on this hard, narrow path. But I wouldn’t wish for anything different, for I know I have Someone so graciously beautiful for me – He is not against me (Romans 8:31). He who started a good work in you, will finish it (Philippians 1:6). If we commit to Him our paths, He shall bring it to pass (Psalm 37:5).

Take Him at His word. He deserves the honor and glory of us believing what He says; otherwise, we call Him a liar. But make sure you align yourself with the heart posture of James 4:3. He is our Father. He wants our best; do not doubt His character, but do not take Him for an easy Father who gives you anything. That is wrong and not what I am showing you. Instead, I am showing you a God who answers prayers and is faithful even when we doubt. Lean not on your own understanding for whatever you are facing. Seek His voice in His word. Trust in His perfect timing. Whatever He has burdened your heart with, it is for a reason. Do not doubt the origin of that burden if it aligns with scripture (not what you twist it to be, Mr. Prosperity Gospel).

I leave you with this:

If we chase Him, He leads us. We can’t expect to sit still and be frozen with doubt or for Him to move us and give us a sign. He has given us free will. We must move first. Seeking a sign is what the pagans do. Instead, search the Scriptures and be reminded of what His voice sounds like so that you may know if it is Him speaking. When you do, follow Him with whole-hearted abandon. He has you in His hands and will not let you fall. You may stumble, but you will not be cast down out of His hand. When you hear the word to trust in Him and act, you will know He is faithful. Trust in the wait, it’s a beautiful time.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. – Psalms 62:5